I woke this morning wet from crying. It made no sense to me and certainly didn't match what I remember dreaming, but I woke up with tears streaming down my face. At first I thought, "another attack" but I found no external energies in my energy field. The thoughts in my mind seemed to be my own. Sadly so. For as long as I can remember, the time leading up to Christmas has proven to be most challenging time of the year for me ... for a variety of reasons. Until my fourties, it was a time of great stress during which the entire scope of disfunction in my surrounding would boil to the surface. In recent years, that naturally changed since I would spent the holidays mostly alone, and being alone was normally a good thing. But not in December. And not around Christmas.
Now, this time of the year confronts me with the full scope of my single existence and a secret, deep-seated longing for a place to belong. The fact that it's only me and Magnus, the cat, hits me harder than usual and, if I'm not carefully monitoring my mental state, can create havoc and chaos in my mind. Strange but true, yet I'm far from the point of wanting to blame this on social conditioning or childhood trauma. That seems too New Age and theory-bound for matters of the deep heart. So, I'm following the rabbit trail of a sorrowful pain that makes the chest heavy and causes a lump in the throat. I guess that's Mystic-style ...
With outer conditions placing a slight challenge on my existence, the dark and dreary weather here in Germany doesn't help either. We had no sunlight in weeks. Not cold enough for snow, the air
is filled with cold moisture, and every day seems more dreary and dark than the one before. While I'm grateful to have it cozy warm in a time where that's not a given for many people, living
where I do becomes a challenge this time of the year. Add to this the heart's pain of the past three years, I guess the tears shed are not all that extraordinary.
Mystics feel the pain of the world deeper than most people. I have always been highly aware of the feelings of the collective and, even more so, the energies of the Earth and nature. I'm
sensitive to etheric imprints remaining on the land from the past or bleed throughs from a parallel or past event, which is just one reason why living in this country is so tough for me. I sense
the suffering of souls even through dimensional layers, and I've been brought to my knees by grief not my own many times in my life. Suffice to say, the past three years in particular have taught
me a whole new perspective on "hard" and it doesn't look like that's going to get any easier in the time to come. Perhaps listening to the latest podcast of "Stories for a Living Future" last
night affected me as well.
Listening to LVL's voice saying all the things I have kept to myself and mostly bottled up for the remainder of this global crisis was a bit too much last night right before going to bed. Like many, I have lost friends and entire communities as a result of my view on what was and is still happening on this planet. My life changed completely as a result, and I found myself more alone than ever before. Watching how some of the most aware people I thought to know labeled me something I certainly am not, how the most spiritually awake people in my life made choices that are now becoming more and more evident in their faces and energy fields, and how the so-called spiritual community allowed for so much cunning darkness to infiltritate and take over even the most prolific leaders was not easy. As if that was not enough,